This is not going to be some missive about Twilight sucking or  Stephanie Myers being the reigning queen of cheese-tastic storytelling. I mean, the last PG, sci-fi romances I saw were “Teen Wolf” and “Teen Witch”. I’m a little too old for Twilight and haven’t seen a one. I’ve got no right commenting on the quality of the franchise.

But I don’t live under a rock, am fully aware of the Twilight superstars and ain’t about to feign ignorance. (Really people, the “Who?” comments on entertainment blogs are getting really tiresome. #nolongerclever.)

My opinions in short:

Kristin Stewart: Still unsure if I find her groan-worthy or great.

Taylor Lautner: Abs or no abs, I’m sorry, he’s a cross between a cylon and Simon from The Chipmunks.

Robert Pattison: No. Not hot. Not even a little.

It’s the last one that drives people nuts. “How can you not think he’s hot!? What are you smoking, he’s gorgeous! I’m 50 years old and know a hot man when I see one!”

Yeah, sorry folks, I just don’t see it. Does he gain points because of the accent, maybe? Cause I stare and study and all I can see is a goofy looking bean-pole with utterly unappealing eyes. I’m not kidding!

Pat yourself on the back right now if you’ve guessed that I’m not attractive. Ding, ding, ding! Still don’t see why that prohibits me from commenting on the relative hotness of a movie star. What? uglies aren’t allowed to have an opinion on aesthetics?