Not a fan of Facebook. It’s probably because I’m more comfortable on the cranky side of the street. Hey look, what the kid has built is impressive. Props genuinely granted on that front. Woo hoo! Go Zucks! (OK? Can we forget the inevitable accusations of  “you’re just jealous!”)

Here’s the thing though, Facebook is…oh hell, I don’t have a clever metaphor for the social networking behemoth, I just know it irks me.

Here’s why:

1) I have no interest in seeing pictures of acquaintances’ vacations, family events or new born babies; and I’m no good at pretending like I care.

2) How does Facebook make money? Convicted felon, Jeff Skilling, was famous for insisting that us simple-minds weren’t savvy enough to understand Enron’s 21st Century accounting. We all know how that turned out. Now, while I highly doubt Facebook is engaging in nefarious banking, my gut says the social networking site is way overvalued. Why does that bug? Think it has something to do with my personal distaste for “fronting”.

4) It’s an online popularity contest. I hated that shit then and still do now. Early into adulthood a part of me died upon realizing that superficiality and status-worship doesn’t dissipate with age.

The other day I heard a 30-something-year-old woman hypothesize that a colleague was “strange” because they didn’t have a ton of Facebook friends. See, I think it’s “strange” that people in their 30s and 40s want to spend so much time on an Internet planned community replete with  tract housing (tell me everyone’s photos don’t look eerily similar). Exhausting if you ask me.

5) Facebook gives me more reasons to be more cynical. Nothing can ruin a day like discovering that the haughty go-getter you despised in University is now successful…and still a giant douche.

But let’s get down to brass tax. The #1 reason I think Facebook sucks is because I’m that cranky bitch who never got excited about the Ice Cream man or Halloween. And oh yeah, there’s something inexplicable about responsible chipper folks that pings my annoyance bone.

In other words, if you disagree with everything I said, you’re probably doing something right in life. The rest of us? Well, at least we’ve got rawness to keep us company (highly underestimated).